Before I start my entry for today, I want to say that I am well aware that I am the only one who can "fix" all the issues that I am going through but right now I don't have the the motivation or energy to do any fixing at all! So for the mean time, I am going to get everything off my chest and out in the open and then work on them one by one… Oh this is probably the most "open" I have been on here for a LONG time so do bear with me as I ramble on...
I am so unhappy with my body at the moment. I know prior to starting my weightloss journey in 2003, I wasn't happy with it but I accepted it and then after losing 42 kilos I was accepting it and starting to be happy with it and proud of who I was and was able to walk tall (or as tall as possible for me) and proud and wear nice clothes and makeup and feel great about myself. But now, I just hate my body and the way it looks! I am so self concious of the way it sags and jiggles and bounces with every movement I make - I don't even like being naked with Steph around! Every morning before I get in the shower, I see myself in the mirror and just want to cry! The scales have crept back up to the 100's!!! NOOOOO!!! But yes unfortunately they have - am now sitting on 101.2 kilos :( Although, I must say that I have been able to change from weighing daily for at least the last 3 years to weighing on a Saturday morning.
Like I said, I know that the only person who can do anything about this is me, myself and I… but before anything happens I have to get me, myself and I motivated to do it! And like we all know, I have to want to do this for ME, not for my family, friends or anyone else but for ME! And I do want to do this for ME but I guess I am feeling lost, confused and lonely at times… Helena came for a visit (while taking Trude for a ride) on Sunday morning and we had a really good talk about her "Bible" and her "New Testament" and after discussing it with Steph afterwards we have decided that I am going to try and get those two books and see if that can help me get back on track with the weight loss. So I have got a search set up on TradeMe but so far neither of the books have been listed… Might have to end up resorting to buying them brand new but in all honestly we can't really afford that but if needs be… then I will! I am also considering looking at reading the Gwyen Roth books that both Kate and Janene mention in their blogs as I do think a lot of my eating is done with/through emotions!
I also know that just changing my eating habits is not going to get rid of the weight, it will help but it won't do the job totally! I also have to exercise! Exercise - what's that??? Okay, I do walk to and from work and the Railway Station each day so that’s 2 x 20 min walks. In the mornings, it is a medium pace as I walk up with one of the other mums from daycare but in the afternoons when I am by myself, I do walk a bit faster to get my heartrate up! I have made enquires about the gym in Heretaunga (YMCA) which has really reasonable weekly fees so am currently thinking about that but my main issue with joining a gym is time! Yes I know I have to make the time for ME but while Rachel is still so young (okay she is 5mths old now) I want to be with her in the evenings as that is the quality precious time I have with her! So I don't want to miss out on that time while being at the gym… and there is no way I can do the mornings as I already get up at 5.45am each day to get myself and Rachel fed, dressed and organised for the day so we can be out of the door by 7.25am. The weekends would be a good time to do the gym but is it worth joining a gym when I only go 2 days a week and then it would be full on exercise for two days in a row and then just the walking for 5 days… doesn't really make sense to me! We also have a gym next door to work (Contours) but once again it is the situation as above… and also I have never heard anyone rave about their experiences at Contours - all I hear is "oh it is ok".
I know my Iron levels are ok but perhaps I do need to look at taking some Vitamin C perhaps to give me some more "boost" in my day as I am really tired of being tired all the time. But then again it comes down to $$$ to be able to buy them. Our financial situation at the moment is very tight and of course that leads to more stress for Steph and I but we are seeing the bank on Saturday (yay the joys of banks being open on Saturdays) and will hopefully get things sorted so we can relax a wee bit more. Things will still be tight but not as bad as they are at the moment…
I do need to find time for ME but right now that's just not an option… If I was at home all day with Rachel, then I wouldn't hesitate in going to the gym in the evenings and leaving her with Steph but as the two hours between me getting home and Rachel going to bed are so precious I don't want to do things in that period. Some people would say that I do get ME time while on the train each morning and evening but in my eyes, that is not quality ME time! That is time for me to prepare myself for work (in the mornings) and then to prepare myself for the evening (in the afternoons). When I talk about ME time, I am talking about time away from Steph, away from Rachel, away from family… doing something that I want to do by myself or with friends!
Anyway, I think I have rambled on enough today - I probably should get back to work though I did start this at 9.30am this morning and have been working on it in between proper work! I have been wanting to say a lot of this for ages but never find the time in the evenings to write this much...
Footnote added @ 9.45pm - A couple of comments have suggested that I do the gym at lunchtime however I forgot to mention in my main post that lunch is really out of the question as I only have 30mins max for lunch due to the fact that I am getting paid for full time hours but only working about 7hrs a day as it is due to the fact that I can't drop Rachel off to Daycare till 7.30am so therefore I don't get to work till about 9am depending on the trains.... and I am still finishing at my "normal/regular" time so feel bad if I take to longer breaks during the day. And I don't want to take advantage of the Departments flexibility that they are offering me.
About Me
- Karen
- Full time working mum who lost 42 kilos prior to falling pregnant. Gained 17 kilos while pregnant and 5 yrs later am still sitting here with that extra 17 kilos plus LOTS more.... In fact I am now heavier than I was before I lost that initial 42 kilos!! I am so over being fat and want to do something about it!
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17 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. It is all well & good to want ME time but the reality is when you are working full time & have kids - it is not that easy. I was in the same position as you, re time to go to the gym, I bit the bullet & joined Configure Express (similar to Curves), I do my workout in my lunch time. If you can free up the money a bit after the bank visit, maybe you could join the Curves, just for a few months & go in your lunch time (they are 30 min workouts). Even if it is not the most exciting experience, at lest it is a start & does not eat into the precious time you have with Rachel. It is really hard working & having a family & trying to find time for everyone. Good Luck, I know you will be able to do this, just a matter of experimenting.
Hun being a parent is the hardest thing aye!!! big hugs. Me time is so hard to get when you have to care for another person.
Maybe schedule an hour a week for now for you.. it can be an hour for you to read the Geneen Roth books etc or just to find you.
I so know what it is like trying to do the juggling but in the end it is worth it. I find now that I am not a good mum if I don't look after myself and I spend more time with my boys in the long run.
It is for yours and her benefit hun that you get out and get some exercise.
Making the weekends about getting out with her in the pram and she can look at the beautiful scenery or get some sleep in the pram while you walk away the stress and when they are in the pram it is a good time.
Hun you are amazing and you have lost over 40 kilos already and when you are ready it will come off again.
Love ya
Chubbymum
Hey Karen,
Just a thought with regards to those two books you were after... Is it possible for you to borrow them out from the library. I do that with all the books I read, cos I hate spending $30+ on each new book. Im not sure about New Zealand, but in Brisbane (Australia), the city council have public librarys all across the different suburbs :)
Lil xox
Karen, there wouldn't be many new mums who wouldn't relate to what you are saying! Exercise is very hard with a child, let alone a baby. I'm not sure what advice to give you as it must be so hard for you to only get a small amount of time with Rachel. Do work on the eating though - even with little exercise it will help.
I would suggest joining the one next to work and going in your lunch hour and then taking Rachel out for a walk on the weekends. That way you don't miss out on time with her.
Remember exercise is not just a weight loss tool but a powerful anti-stress tool as well.
You've done it before and you CAN do it again. Baby steps though!
Can you perhaps get a "Green Prescription" from your Doctor, that way you could go to a gym without having to pay masses, and go in your lunch time? I really have no idea, having never had to work while bringing up my kids. What about working out at home, after Rachel is in bed, you and hubby do some low impact cardio work... skipping, jogging on the spot, star jumps, squats, etc. You do not need any fancy exercise equipment to shake your booty! And then on the weekends you can still go for a big walk with bubby in the pram. I know you want "me" time, but maybe it just ain't gunna happen right now.... never fear, it will eventually. I'm thinking of you babe, I know how miserable we can feel when we are so unhappy with our bodies. Shut ya bloody eyes when your getting in the shower if that helps for now, you don't need to be starting the day depressed.
Don't be hard on yourself. You have a lot to juggle, and it takes a good while to adjust to almost never finding time to put yourself first!
If "me" time is in short supply then the suggestion Chris has of getting the exercise in at home is not a bad idea! It could be relatively low cost too, and so long as your DH supports you in it 100% you could really enjoy it!
Hey....no commute time either!
I hired a treadmill for 6 months over the winter after my first was born. From memory it was $35 a week.(I'm honestly not sure how that compares with a gym fee.) To justify that money I made sure I used it every single day and I worked up from 30 minutes to an hour plus increased the speed and incline. I was fitter and lighter than I'd been pre pregnancy at the end of 6 months. On a few occasions I had to interrupt my exercise to go to my son (this was during a teething episode, and he was a Mummy's boy!), but 98% of the time it worked really well.
My DH stacked the dishwasher while I got started, sat and watched TV (turned up LOUD LOL!) beside me for a while then had a cup of tea ready for me once I'd finished! (That was the support I needed and he was really happy to help once he knew how.) My ideal time to exercise was 7.30 - 8.30pm. I'd have a good sweat up for most of that time!
After a shower I'd sleep really well...better than I usually sleep so it had heaps of benefits for me.
I think you can hire cross trainers too.
Just sharing my experience and what worked for me, but I know you will come up with something that works...and in the meantime please don't be hard on yourself because you're doing bloody well!
Oh Karen, I can relate to EXACTLY what you are saying because I lived it myself last year! The best advice I can give you is to not jump into anything too fast, work on one thing at a time and give yourself a good time frame to work towards getting back into a healthy routine.
I joined a gym and returned to Weight Watchers only 6 weeks after going back to work when Lachlan was very similar to Rachel's age now and it worked wonderfully for me for 6 weeks (I lost just over 7kgs) and then I let it all slip because it was just too much.
I've struggled on and off since then but the most valuable lesson i've learnt along the way is to focus on priorities - making sure I get the time to myself that I need. Working on getting rid of the obsession of weight loss but still eating 3 healthy meals and snacks a day, tackling the emotional eating demons (as best I can) and doing what exercise I can with Lachlan - we've been doing lots of walking.
I'm trying to build a home exercise routine into my schedule for toning but so far haven't been successful, but I know I will get there. Focus on one thing at a time and I know you will get there.
I can really relate to this post too. Me time is a bit of a different concept once you have kids isn't it?
Maybe you could read etc on the train - and somehow look forward to that as your own special time?
I don't really know what the answer is, but in my opinion - enjoy Rachel as much as you can, enjoy the time you get with her, don't worry tooooo much about your weight (haha, easier said than done, i know).
Big hugs, the fog does clear eventually, promise.
I'll be round tomorrow to drop off My Bible, happy for you to have a read and decide if its you ... no point spending $40 bucks when ya dont have to :D
Take care - working full time and being a mum/wife is hard.
How about some mediation at night that is relaxing and you can do that at night... Just a thought.
Have a great weekend
Jaxx (Hippygal)
Hugs :)
hi Karen,
I know others have offered a range of suggestions regarding the exercise and I can certainly understand you not wanting to be away from home in the evenings when you already have limited time with your wee one. I have recently hired a treadmill and am finding it FANTASTIC. We live 20km out in the country so time etc is a big issue for me to. (along with travel). Having the treadmill set up ready to go is great. I commit myself to using it 15mins in the morning, then again in the late afternoon. Its not a lot of time but I get my heart pumping and KNOW its helping my weightloss. I was also feeling dreadful about my weight (I'm alot bigger then you) so know how uncomfortable that feeling is when you feel so awful about your own body. I hire my treadmill from bodsinmotion. I don't know if they have one in Wgtn but in Akl there incentive is paying $10 for every kilo a person loses while hiring their machines. (They are going owe me. lol)
You've mentioned $ and exercise are v important right now. I think it sounds a little hard to exercise during the week with your schedule, so I'd suggest simply taking a big walk (yeah, a bigg'n) on both Saturdays and Sundays with Rachel in her stroller every week.
Let us know what you decide :)
Karen
I had another thought. Why join the gym at all? Buy some handweights/small dumbbells and set your own programme based on walking and the weights.
If you want to find some suitable exercises, I can recommend sparkpeople.com which has demonstrations of all kinds of exercises.
Anyway, this way you needn't be away from Rachel at all and take her on the walks with you and do the weights when she is napping or whatever.
http://www.lafitness.co.nz/treadmills.htm
From $35 - $50 per week.
Brilliant!
I found 20 - 30 mins per day on one of these REALLY easy :-)
Lisa.
...Forgot to mention, they're on the Hutt Rd at Petone.
If you have a stationwagon you can pick it up yourselves.
And...if you lose 10kg it looks like they give it to you free!!
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